Me and Val standing at the edge of the water, just above where Pagua River mouth open wide wide like it want to swallow the sea. The soft sand done suck our two foot inside it black belly so when I looking down it seeming like we doh have no foot. If rain hadn’ fall two days ago and swell up the river, I woulda tell Val let’s play the game where we push each other and see who fall over first.

But, I cah think of that now. I too busy watching the whole rivermouth raise up and widen every time the sea rush in, and I wondering how close to shore a shark can swim.

Some people doh know that, but when rain fall and Pagua River overflow, sharks does sometimes swim into the river, straight up from the sea. That is what our sister Esther and our cousin June and Julian say. I never see a shark in Pagua River with my own eyes, but I believe them because they older than us, so they would know. Plus, they say some parts of the river so deep that when they dive, they cah even touch the bottom. I feel like it must have something living down there where the water so green it almost black. 

Val looking across the water with her forehead crease up and her face well serious. One hand prap up on her side and the other hand shading her eyes from the sun. She making me think of the detective people on the cover of the Nancy Drew books I does borrow from the library bus when it pass by our school. She watching Esther and the twins disappear behind the bush on the other side of the river.

“They probably going and look for mango.” I hoping it still have some late season mango hanging on a tree over there. Maybe they will bring back a couple for us. Val turn and she watch me cut-eyes, then she give a dry stupes that make me feel like a greedy fool.

“So long mango season finish, Taki. They must be looking for pwadou.” She say the last part like it obvious. Val only one year older than me, but the way she does talk sometimes you woulda swear she leave her nine years behind and she done pass Esther fifteen. I doh say nothing because Val like to win every argument no matter who start it. And if she cah win with words, she will make sure she win with her hands. She does say that a good thump in your back will convince you faster than a whole, long speech. She say she doesn’ bother wasting her spit if she doh have to. Matter of fact, she already done move on from the mango story.

“We should go across and find them.” 

My belly fly up in my chest as soon as I hear what she say. I know Val. If she saying that, is because she already looking to see how we can do it. Even though she know well that the reason we standing up there like two last caca-rat is because we cah swim. And she know well and good too that even if we could swim, the current too strong. It will just drag us down to the rivermouth, with all the dry coconut and old branch that floating past from time to time, and it will dump us in the sea. 

At night, when I lie down next to Val on our mattress in the corner under the window, before I fall asleep, I does listen to the sea slamming against the falaise below the Kalinago Territory. Is like thunder bursting under water. I does imagine it running up the precipice, grabbing at the red rock with it mouth making white chim like a mad ladjablesse, then bawling out in rage every time it fall back down. 

Is the same sea Mammy tell us not to bathe in without a adult because it have a dangerous riptide. I didn’ see how a tide could rip anything, but then Mammy tell us the story of how two different white man meet Death right there in Pagua Bay, because they see big wave so they figure is a good place to surf. No respect for the sea, Mammy say. You must respect the sea. One minute it looking nice and calm, the next minute it can take you just like that! Mammy had snap her fingers and all of us had jump.

Ever since we small, Mammy show us how to recognise when the sea vex, how it voice does change and roll like thunder and how it children does make war with each other. I like that part– one wave that done reach shore does rush back fast fast, like it trying to stop the others from coming in too. When it meet another wave, they does slam into each other full force, like two ramgoat, with a loud Pla! and become one single wave, with a big splash that does run down the whole length of the new wave like is electricity. Two wave die. One new wave born. And another brother or sister wave does start racing up to the shore for them to die too. Sometimes I does wonder if the sea doesn’ get tired of doing the same thing, over and over again. 

All that to say: nothing and nobody going to make me cross that river. Not even the promise of pwadou on the other side. I praying for Val to change her mind, but I know her too good. 

She pull her foot up and step out of the water. She start marching full speed up the shore. I jump out of the river and walk-run behind her. Where she going so? 

She slow down, then she stop and she kick a dry coconut. She stoop down, pick up the coconut and shake it hard. I hear the water sloshing around inside it.

“You want us to break it?” I myself getting hungry with all that talk of mango and pwadou. Is a while now since Daddy go up the river to look for crayfish and viyo to cook a bouyon with the fig and yam he bring in a crocus bag. 

“I can get a stone.” I start looking around for a good-size stone to mash down on the coconut, but Val doh paying me no mind. She done throw the coconut back down and she stomping through the shiny green vine that running all the way from the shade of the coconut trees, over the black sand and towards the river, like they trying to reach the water. Why Val so own-way, nuh? I following her, but vexness starting to chofé my head. I stupes under my breath as she kick two more coconut. She pick up one and shake it. No sound of water. She turn around, a big grin on her face. 

“Take that.” She pass me the coconut. 

I hold it away from me. “What I suppose to do with a dry old coconut? The jelly in it probably done rotten.”

Val stupes fast and sharp. “That is all you can think of? Food?”

“You not hungry?” I shake the coconut again. I bet is not me alone whose belly cramping.

“No.” She say it so emphatic I almost feel bad for being hungry, but I remember that is only bush tea with dry bread we eat for breakfast.

Stupes. I suck my teeth back at her. “Well, I hungry.”

“And I want to cross the river!” She must have hear how her voice fall loud and hard between us like dry stone hitting dry stone because it turn soft and coaxing, “If we cross the river we can get pwadou and fatpoke.”

“How we going to cross the river though, Val?” My belly climb up and sit down in my throat. “It doh have no big people to carry us over on their back.” Why her head so hard sometimes, nuh?

“Taki.” I hear the excitement in her voice. That is a bad sign. She going and try to sell me some dotish plan. 

Val pick up a small coconut. “Watch this.” She turn away from me and fling the coconut in the river. The coconut disappear for a brief second, then reappear on the surface, a shiny brown blob floating nice and soft down to the rivermouth. Val pick up a second coconut, shake it, then pass it to me.

“You see how the coconut them floating on the water? We going to use them to cross the river.”

#

Me and Val standing in the water. The sun drawing crooked gold lines and dancing circles over our foot. The black sand already creeping over our toes and it sparkling as it moving. The water in the shallow so shiny and pretty. We higher up, in a spot where the river narrower- is a shorter distance to cross -but it deeper. I can see from the way the water folding in the middle, like a fat plait on a loaf of bread, that the current pulling hard over there.

“Hold the coconut them under your arm like so,” Val have each arm wrap around a coconut and she holding them tight under her armpit. I do the same, and all of a sudden, I want to peepee. Bad. I squeeze my legs together and hold the coconut tighter until I can feel the dry husk digging in the soft skin under my arm. I just hope they doh have no red ants. 

“You ready?” Val doh wait for me to answer, she already stepping into the river. I run behind her and as soon as my foot hit the water, I feel a little peepee escape. I figure is better I just let it go. So, I walk into the water, with hot peepee running down the inside of my leg, and I try to stay close to Val. I 'fraid to be in the river, but I 'fraid even more to be in the river alone. We doh reach far before the cold water start climbing up my chest, slapping my collarbone like it coming to choke me. Something telling me ‘go back’ but I ‘fraid to even turn around to see how far from shore we come. In any case, it too late now because Val already in the deep; all I seeing is her head bobbing on the water and her two megzo elbow sticking out above her dry coconut.

“It working! Taki, it working!” She laughing and kicking her legs behind her. Clearly, she having fun. 

Not me. Me, my legs hanging down straight like dead weight. My two foot bottom standing on empty space. No solid riverbed reaching back to hold them up. 

A shadow pass over us and the sun disappear. The river water turn dark. Papa God! What if the thing that living down in the deep was waiting for the sun to go so it can now come get me?  

I start kicking harder, trying to lift my legs behind me to make my body lie down in the water like Val. My problem is the coconut acting like they want to leave me behind and go float on the river by themself. They struggling hard to come out from under the water and I fighting even harder to hold them in place. Every time I try to push them further under my arm, they threatening to exit behind my back. When I try to bring them more to the front, they acting like they is two magnet that drawn to each other. And, is so I reach near the middle of the river, beating my foot, just enough to push myself forward, but not too hard to disturb my coconut. 

I can see Val on the left, from the corner of my eye, a short way in front of me. She stop shouting soon after we hit the deep part of the river. She must be saving her energy, like me, to focus on swimming. 

All of a sudden, one of her coconut shoot out from under her arm like she release it from a catapult. It fly up in the air and land plataw! flush in the middle of the river. A split second later Val second coconut jump out and land plataw! right in the current. I cah say what Val do next, because it seem like my coconut take that as a sign for them to buss out too. Or, maybe I lose my coconut because I was too ‘fraid to find out how I would do, by myself, alone in the middle of the river. How I could know how to cross the current if Val didn’ cross it first to show me? 

Whatever the case was, my two own-way coconut doh wait for me to figure out what to do next. It happen so fast. The first one leap out from under my left arm and land a good distance away from me. Straightaway the left side of my body start sinking. I try to pull the second coconut to the middle of my chest, but it pitch out from the grip of my right elbow. I barely had time hear the two solid plataw! plataw! of my dry coconut hitting the surface of the water, before my right side join my left side under the water. My  whole body start going down, down, down and the dark green water of Pagua River rush to cover the top of my head.

#

Later, Val ask me why I didn’ just swim back to shore. That is what she herself do. Everybody was praising her for it when they hear what happen. 

“Val doh even know how to swim nuh, all you, but she fight her way and she make it back to shore!” 

I doh shame to say that I myself was sharing in their admiration for Val. How she do it if she didn’ know how to swim? How she had know to put her hand and her foot just-so to move enough water so she could break the surface and breathe? How she figure it out so fast? How she manage to kill the water before the water kill her? 

That was what I was wondering when Val ask me why I didn’ just swim back, like her. 

I tell her that while she was making war with the river, I myself try to put my hands out of the water to push the river back down so I could stand up on the water and breathe. I do it three times. But every time the river get more and more slippery, so I couldn’ hold it. 

I didn’ tell her that after the third time, I realise that the river was stronger than me, so I let the water pull my hands down and I let her wrap her green-like-bush self around me. She was hugging me so nice and soft that I even stop feeling bad about the whole losing-the-fight thing. The water was inside my nose and it had full up my mouth, but the taste of salt on my tongue was nice. Then, the river turn quiet and that is when I hear a deep humming coming from far down her belly. I could hear the sea. The sea was humming. She was humming for me.

I couldn’ tell Val that my body had start to smile under the water. The river was hugging me and the sea was singing for me. I was happy. So I just stay there, under water in the silence and the softness. 

Is not like I was happy to die. I cah even say for certain that I had know I was going to die. I was just okay waiting for whatever was coming next. 

And, what come next was the strength of Daddy arm splitting water to grab the back of my shirt and drag me from the salty hug of the Pagua River. 

But, I couldn’ explain all of that to nobody because everybody keep telling me I shoulda do something different to what I had already do.

“Papa Bondjay, Father god! Good thing all you father was there!” Hours after we reach home, Mammy keep repeating the same thing, then squeezing me and Val in turns. “Look how I almost lose my two children!”

Even later, that same night, when me and Val lie down in our bed in our corner of the room we sharing with Esther, Val ask me soft soft, almost like she ‘fraid the answer I might give her, “So Taki, if I didn’ bawl out and Daddy didn’ run come and drag you out of the water, you wouldna try to swim out of the river?”

The thunder from the sea flood the room and full up our little corner of silence under the window. Tonight the sea sounding different. Like she is a lapo-kabwit drum, but she is also the drummer and she giving the giant goatskin drum a giant lick with a giant stick. The massive waa-hoom! climbing up the hillside then sliding under our galvanize roof, to pour inside the house until the old plywood wall, the beat-up floorboard, our thin mattress, even my pillow shaking from it. 

I doh know if Val can feel it, how everything in the room trembling soft, soft. I doh know if the song of the sea now humming inside her body same way it humming inside mine. And so, I didn’ feel no way when my whole self melt down in the bed, like a river pouring all itself into the sea, and I tell Val the honest truth, 

“I doh know.”